There’s two voices in your head. One of them is telling you need to eat in order to live, survive, work etc. The other, calmer, louder voice is telling you that you’ve eaten enough already today, you’re getting fatter and fatter by the second. You can physically feel yourself swelling as the clock on the wall ticks. This voice wins out every single time.
Your personality is not enough, therefore you have to have a perfect body in order to make up for it, people won’t take you seriously if you’re overweight. Men won’t look at you, you don’t feel sexy when things wobble so sex and dating is out of the question. No one will ever think you’re worthy of conversation if you have hips like that. Clothes look better on thin people. People are kinder to thin people.
You can’t control your life or anything else that is happening around you, but you can control your food intake- so restrict it. Hearing a constant ringing in your ear, your vision being blurry from the moment you wake up till the moment you go to sleep. Too weak to walk, panic attacks in supermarkets. Total isolation from your friends, it’s been over a year since you had your last chip.
Exercise, exercise, exercise. If you take the lift you don’t deserve lunch. Cake is the scariest thing on the planet. Your body is out of proportion. Your hair starts falling out. The voice gets louder and the adrenaline from lack of food is keeping you on a high, you avoid social gatherings that involve a meal.
Apple instead of dinner, cup of strong coffee instead of lunch. If you run on the treadmill for long enough maybe you’ll outrun it. No one listens to what comes out your mouth, just the way you look. You can feel every inch of fat on your body moving, ankle fat, eyelid fat, finger fat, fat that’s not there fat. Kidneys failing, hospitalised for 4 days. Fitting both legs into one leghole of your old ‘fat’ shorts. Tying your current shorts round your waist with a shoelace.
You start gaining weight, slowly, healthily. You are normal weight, family and friends are no longer embarrassed for you. But you have salad for every single meal and you carry a toothbrush in your bag everywhere you go incase you slip up and eat an ice cream or a bar of chocolate. Trying to sleep but guilt spreading throughout your entire body from head to toe for eating too much at dinner, feeling full is as painful as a gunshot wound. You eat the same thing every day, the thought of something different makes your throat close up. Take the piss out of yourself so no one else will.
I cant bring myself to say the name of the illness that strangles me, I can’t use ‘I’ instead of you when I describe it. I can’t post pictures of it on Instagram. I can’t casually drop it into my blogs. I pretend it’s not there, tainting every thought, on my mind from dawn till dusk, when it resides within me like a noose around my neck, threatening to tighten if I relax on it just a tiny bit.
Make yourself as small as you possibly can and then maybe, just maybe there’ll be a little space in the world for someone as worthless as you are.
It took one man and a handful of ignorant boys to completely alter the course of my life. Please don’t ignore your friends eating disorders, it just makes them feel worse. And please from the bottom of my heart, don’t ever, even in jest, even lightheardly, let someone hear you comment negatively on their weight.