Never Mind, Doesn’t Matter, Maybe Next Time

Feeling like a constant failure is really exhausting. Trying to explain yourself and make excuses for the things that are going wrong, for quitting and making mistakes is seriously deflating. There are only so many times you can burn your bridges or run away and give up before people stop giving you sympathy and support and just view you as a risk. 

I’m bored of nothing in my life being successful, of everything I do and everyone I meet leaving a stale taste in my mouth where it was bittersweet in some way. Of being let down, of giving and loving and never getting the same in return. Of laying in bed and replaying scenarios in my mind of things I should have done differently, could have prevented happening. Of trying and testing things and being constantly disappointed. 

I’m fed up of never feeling good enough, of always feeling like I ‘did what I could’ but it really meaning nothing. I’m flitting backwards and forwards between places and people like a destructive butterfly, gaining nothing and leaving only damage behind. Of tripping up. Of ‘never minds’. 

I’m over feeling as though people are always judging me. Of justifying my actions and apologising when I’ve nothing wrong. Of feeling like it’s my issue, my problem, my doing- when actually people just can’t accept me for who I am. 

I’ve had enough of trying to plan things I think I’ll enjoy, only to watch everything crash and burn. Too scared to wish for something I really want incase it’s snatched away from me, tauntingly dangled in-front of my face, able to see it but it’ll never be mine. 

I’d like for once something, anything to work out for me. To run smoothly. To make me flawlessly happy with a purity I’ve never experienced- to be effortless and real. 

C.J.R xox 

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